Dhruv's Laws of Fartology [Also called as Fartodynamics].

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WARNING: Reader’s discretion advised.

Note : The following matter belongs to Dhruv Deshpande and he alone has rights to use it anywhere he wants. Grant of permission may be given by him alone, to publish the matter in Physics or Biology text books.

INTRODUCTION of the topic.

This is no harlequinade, and if you have a smile on your face on reading the title, please wipe it off. Thank you.
Firstly, farting or flatulence is the expulsion through the rectum of a mixture of gases that are byproducts of the digestion process of mammals and other animals.

“Disgusting”, “manner less”, indecorous” are some of the few adjectives used to describe people who fart. Excuse me, ‘people who fart?’ You fart, I fart, everyone farts. Yet we are embarrassed to speak about it. Look at you, reader, going red around the ears. However old or matured you are, you surely have had your moments when the only thing you desire is for the public to have no ears and noses, so you can fart to your heart’s content.
I have two facts for you, which have never failed to leave me flummoxed, but have to be accepted as reality.

1] Every single person farts. [ And every committed person too! Ok, lame joke. ]

2] Farting is said to be disgusting, and we must not let people know that we fart.

Surprising, isn’t it? Farting is not civil. It is wrong. You may talk about what you do with your partner in the late hours, but talking about farting is, according to people, disgusting.
A clichéd expression, “Disgusting people fart.” DD disagrees.

ABOUT THE EXPERT.
I, Dhruv Deshpande, am [probably] the first person to go deep into such a topic. I have, and I will continue to study this topic in detail. Who knows, you are possibly reading an article of a person who later may be referred to as “Dhruv Deshpande, Professor of Fartodynamics.
You may think, looking at my young age, that I will not be able to enlighten you matured folks about farts. Wrong. I am 90% sure that I have carried out each and every experiment (on a personal level) that can be carried out with farts. In my fifteen years as a human, I’ve tried things very few can even dream of. I have farted in public. I have farted in my classroom and ejaculated an “It was me!” I have farted in front of my family which led to being scolded as if I had committed a heinous crime. After controlling farts in malls, movie theatres, football fields, swimming pools, PUBLIC restrooms, restaurants and in my own house, Dhruv Deshpande stands up and says it’s enough. (You can remove the swimming pool part from the previous sentence.) I strongly believe that I am not alone who suffers from this weird biological process that everyone refuses to talk about. My friends, my family, my extended family, my maid, my dog and many others know that I have been very open about excreting, farting etc. It is this openness that has helped me unlock almost all the mysteries of Fartodynamics. I have to give credit to my experience, experiments and finally my grey mater. The quest for learning EVERYTHING about fartology is not a destination, but a journey, and I will narrate to you all that I have learnt on the way. Anomalies in my study will be corrected as soon as they are detected. I believed that there was a need for a deeper study of farts and I have come out with astounding results. I hope, my friends, that my Laws Of Fartology, will help you preclude the pandemonium that follows farting. The following, are the results of my intense study.

DHRUV’S LAWS OF FARTOLOGY:


Note: I will not give you information which you can find in books or on the internet. There are always two sides to a coin, the books will show you the safer side which stays away from facts so as not to cause any damage to the mind of the reader. I may not mention the exact gases being released, but I will give you information which is actually important, unlike the text books. I am being brutally honest with my laws, so I feel it is my responsibility to mention that this is not for the faint hearted.

1] Farting is a biological process, with bits of chemistry and physics involved.

2] Noise is inversely proportional to smell: More the noise of a fart, less is the smell released. The noiseless farts, which I refer to as the silent killers, release the most disgusting smell. [Exceptions mentioned in 10 e.]

3] The gas released during a fart comes through one and only one point inside your butt: This one took a particularly disgusting experiment, I must say!

4] The above law also proves my theory, which was my first fartology theory; you CANNOT fart on a flat chair unless you tilt your backside to an angle of 45 degrees or more to the plane of the surface of the chair.

5] Shitting is indemnified by farting if and only if you try to shit to hard, without having a strong urge or necessity to shit. The fart released is not a silent killer, but one with a loud noise.

6] Farting is indemnified by shitting if and only if you already possess an urge, however strong, to shit, and you exert pressure on your buttocks for a long time, which results in the peristaltic movement to release faeces.

7] If you shit irregularly, you will fart irregularly: The experiment to prove this law was carried out on a personal basis.

8] If you fart a lot continuously, your butt will pain.

9] When you fart, it is not only your point of release of gas that plays a part, but the muscles around your buttocks also contract and expand while farting.

10] YOU CANNOT STOP A FART. Do not be disheartened, my friends, I will get you out of this mess. This is a huge problem regarding farts, but if you’ve farted as many times as I have, you tend to find loopholes in everything, DD is here to help. See, technically, farts are gases released through the rectum. That is the definition and we cannot change it. But yes, we can bend it. Gas is released from the rectum, that doesn’t mean it is released outside your body totally. You will fart, but there will be no smell released, nor will there be any acoustic evidence of the fact. I will first describe my experience with what I call “The Unfart”. The name is given because you do fart, but the effects of farts do not exist. When I try to control my farts in classrooms, etc, I am unable to do so. But if I press my butt in to cover the point of release, and also refuse to tilt 45 degrees, however strong the urge, there will be a slight rumbling near the stomach and also a vibration through around the buttocks. There will be NO noise, but a slight vibration which only you can feel. Remember, you can Unfart ONLY when you have an uncontrollable urge to fart.
How to Unfart:-
a. Press your buttocks inside. [Tightening the thigh muscles helps during the above task.]
b. If sitting, press your buttocks strongly against the surface, ensuring that the point of release is totally covered.
c. If standing, walk slightly bending your back behind such that your butt moves forward, and move your knees to the opposite direction, which ensures that your buttocks will join to cover the point of release.
d. Control the urge, however strong, and do not open the point of release.
e. DO NOT cough or sneeze when you are preparing to Unfart. If you do so, the point of release will jerk open and the fart will be more noisy and even smelly, the only case when Law 2 of fartology will be proved wrong.
f. Stand/sit as still as a statue three seconds before the moment you feel you are about to Unfart. Remember, you cannot control the time when you can Unfart. If you decide “I’ll Unfart now!” then we might possibly have to remove ‘Un’ from the previous word!
g. No Unfart is complete without wiping off all the evidences of a fart. Thus, remember not to have the ‘Fart-look’ or the relieved countenance upon your face. Ensure total innocence. Keep your face absolutely straight. Exerting too much force upon your face may eventuate in uncovering of the point of release of gas. Thus, a straight face is of utmost importance.
If you are unable to Unfart, then the best thing you can do is not act weird, and you might still escape.

These, my dear students, were my Laws of Fartology. I hope that they help you in your life ahead to prevent farts, and to fart well if you cannot Unfart or if you don’t find the need to Unfart. Remember, friends, whatever you do, fart or Unfart, do enjoy it.
This is Dhruv D, Professor of Fartodynamics, signing off… :)