MOVE ON 2009!

Note: I’m writing this post just after I’ve got off my love-DD phase, so please ignore the self praise, I’m just analyzing myself to the best accuracy. :)

Another year goes by. Another New Year’s Eve spent at home. Wow, I LOVE being a loner. This is really just a random post, looking back at 2009. Analyzing myself and the changes within me. Maybe I could do one every new year. Anyway, bleh. I always used to be proud of being different from other teenagers. With the sudden growth of truculence, pimples and sideburns, I decided to analyze everything again. A year ago, I would brush off the term ‘teenagers’ saying, “They’re just confused rebellious pests lost in the middle, where life is a maze [yep, the Lenka girl read my thoughts before writing her song], and love is a misconception. I’m not like them in any way.” Hmm.
There have been many notable changes in me and around me (one depends on the other, doesn’t it), from the past one year. I’ll just note them down in no particular order.

Music: The genre of music I listen to has changed somewhat. The music I listen to has always depended on my mood. A year ago, a happy DD would rock his head gently to the lines, “Ob la di, ob la da, life goes on bra!” by the Beatles, but today, a happy DD would first love to bang his head to the lyrics, “Why, you wanna tell me how to live my life? Who, are you to tell me if it's black or white? Mama, can you hear me? Try to understand. Is innocence the difference between a boy and a man!!!?” [– Have a nice day.] A depressed or pissed off DD would hum “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away”, but today, I’d rather shout out, “its 3 AM in the morning, put my key in the door and, bodies laying all over the floor and, I don’t remember how they got there, but I guess I must’ve killed them, killed them!” Aggressive? NO. In fact, I believe, it’s the frustration arising due to the fact that I’ve always been so much of a saint, who rarely gets angry[*somewhere in kopri a girl mouths ‘what the heck?!” *], who NEVER fights (with the fight with my neighbor when I was 8 being my first and last one) and NEVER abuses (some football-playing mates would disagree here, but it’s only because I hate it when you stand and smile!). In the aggressive sense, I’m so different from other teenagers, I’m a super patient kid, who totally believes in ‘love thy neighbor’ (*loud protests from my old neighbor*), who smiles at people who behave rudely with him.

Feigning: This is one thing in me that has decreased significantly. I’ve become more genuine. Don’t get me wrong, I was never FAKE; I just mean I can say things to people that I wouldn’t dream of before. No more am I the kid who just smiles at everyone. Recently, I’ve been able to ask twerps sitting down during the National Anthem to get their butts off the chair, ask the arrogant kid teasing someone else to shut up, ask the kids who teased another kid with a speech imparity to stop. (Stress on the word “ASK”) I can feel myself coming out of the cocoon; I’ve stopped being a pushover. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still laugh off your insult, I’ll still fake laugh on your attempts at humor, but if you piss me off, I will surely ask you to shut up, or maybe come up with a witty comeback. Usually the latter.

Beliefs: Many of my past beliefs have changed. Apart from Santa Claus (I mean what the heck, man!?) the major change being that I’ve become an atheist. I believe that believing in something else is just to check on what you do. I have issues with believers, it’s just that I believe in my conscience, and that is satisfactory. There is no need to believe in something else if you’re sure about the goodness inbuilt in you, and if it is, your guilt is a sterner teacher than “God”. (I bet the word “believe” is sounding strange to you to you now: P)
Another thing is how I express my anger. As I said, I’ve always been a saint. Insult me how much ever you want to, in public, and I won’t ever insult you back, even when I was 14, I used to flash a smile of sympathy at those “Dhruv! Loserfool sucks!”-guys. That’s the way to tackle anything, in my opinion. That makes the twerp abusing look like a total fool. E.g.-:
“Dhruv, you suck!
”Aww, you’re sweet!”
I’ve never been able to ‘express my anger’ because, *drum roll*, I don’t get angry! [*a couple of friends and my parents look up, menacingly*] You can piss me off all you want; I’ll just use the Gandhi policy and ignore you, or come up with a witty reply! [Yeah, I have some good ones up my sleeve :D] In both the cases, you look like an idiot, not me! I’ve tried to picture myself as a guy who has totally lost control due to exceeding anger (Ha, not a pretty picture, people!) but I can NEVER see it happening, because, bleh, I NEVER lose control! F words, other abuse words, never when I’m really out of control. I ONLY abuse to give mates on the football field some slack, and that too rarely, and only when I know that those kids are fans of the ‘tough love’. Now, you might think after reading this that I’m one of those quiet ones who NEVER have an opinion. Wrong. I’m full of opinions, and I voice them when the time is right. The most significant example to back this is my awesome fight in school which began at the end of ninth grade and lasted for 8-9 months! Sheesh, feels so childish to describe it all, but I’ll make an attempt anyway. The enemy, so to speak, was this famous and strong bully, with whom no ones dared to mess with. He abused a friend of mine. The poor girl was victimized, oppressed by the guy because he had more ‘support’. Then the mutant stepped in. \m/ It was kind of fun. I proved him wrong online, [where most of the fight took place], and then he decided to meet me. Now forgive me for the lack of modesty, but if it were a battle of wits between us, I was the one with all the weapons. I felt like Sunny Deol. But then if it were a battle of arms, he was blessed with the "dhaai kilo ka haath". Hence, when we were to meet up in school, I was scared. But I was brilliant that day. Put on my bravest front, in front of his scary red eyes, and told him stuff like, "Hit or don't hit, I won't shut up. No profit. Your reputation would shoot down further and you probably would get suspended. I bet if I had a go at your mates you'd do the same." And within 2 minutes, after another piercing glare, he went away! [*somewhere in vasant vihar a guy shouts, "BUT I LEFT YOU AS I'M A GOOD GUY!"*] , and from that day I knew I was destined to be a tactical genius.

Anyway, suddenly there’s been a change in the way I express myself. I guess only a couple of friends and my parents (not mentioning ALL the people present on the occasion of my thread ceremony... {I hate you rahul dongre!}) have witnessed a real pissed off DD! But then it’s just that I present the genuine myself only in front of the people I really love. And I hate myself after that. It’s like, I am super kind to the whole world, and the anger, the depression, the frustration within my just comes out in front of these people. It probably helps me for the time being, but the guilt that follows kills me. I feel like a caged beast, and I’m free and unleashed only in front of people who really know me. The wrath, hence, just comes out on front of them, since I possess the knowledge of the fact that nothing I say could weaken any bond between us, and that I know those people would stick around forever, however I am. [Politics…check!]

Again, as I read through what I’ve written, I find that these changes are just minor. I’m still the same tactical genius next door [yes, I HAVE to praise myself from time to time] who isn’t afraid to voice his opinions, who is a saint and an atheist with a weird taste in music.

Trust has always been one of the most important things in my life, and it still is. Even as a kid, I used to hug my mom and cry if anyone accused me of being a lair, be it classmates or anyone else. It takes time for me to trust people, and when I do, I expect the feeling to be completely mutual. I bet this is sounding childish, but don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about “secrets”, I’m pointing at doubt and mistrust. I can take almost anything, I’m as impermeable as concrete, but then if some close blighter suddenly accuses me of being a liar, or doubts my intentions with something, it becomes a totally deplorable state of affairs for me. Believe it or not, I’m 16 years old and I’ve got NO dark secrets, so to speak. Trust is the foundation for any relationship I build. It REALLY hurts when people you love the most begin to raise their eyebrows like you’re some freaking criminal. No use beating about the bush, I’m talking about my parents. What they do isn’t wrong, but then being the touchy guy that I am, I hate it. They’re just the parents with a weird teen kid, who, unlike other teenagers, regards trust as the base in his relationship with them. And hey, I’m not talking about mistrust in the “asking-questions” sense. In fact I like that my parents are still interested in knowing the people I hang out with. I totally respect that. When I make friends, it’s 60% Dhruv’s choice, and 40% mom’s choice. And I’ve got no problems with that. What sucks is the raised eyebrow I get to see after I’m off the phone with a female friend. See, I’ve had only four close female friends so far, and I’ve been suspected of going out with each of them. That too with such shitty reasons, which make me feel both of them would rock as anchors on Zoom TV!
See, my fourth friend (who I’m allegedly “emotionally involved” with) is new, so let’s take a look back at what’s happened EVERY SINGLE TIME, with the first three friends… It goes this way -:

1] The friend calls at home. *eyebrows raised*
2] We meet around a couple of times. *Eyebrows disappear*
3] The friend gets herself a boyfriend. *”Dhruv, she’s good, don’t break friendship ever.”

Now the fourth friend I’m talking about is still single, and she’s inclined on remaining single, which means my parents eyebrows are somewhere in the sky right now. [Lame attempt, don’t picture it. :P] On a serious note though, the narrow mindedness makes me sick! I can almost hear their voices ringing in my head…

“Dhruv, we trust you completely”
“She called AGAIN!?”
“Dhruv don’t do anything to break that trust”
“Wow, you’ve become very close, eh?!”
“We trust you, you can tell us everything.”
“Just so you know, this isn’t the age for emotional attachment!”
“You don’t hide anything from us. I know. Right...right..???”
“I trust you Dhruv!”

NO NO NO! You don’t! That goes for all parents. Its total CRAP parents tell us to keep us “”under control””. Probably works like a charm with other kids, but it hurts in my case, because all my friends know about my views on this, and it sucks that the two people I love the most think I’m a hypocrite. Credit to them, they trust me with everything else. Oh well, since I’m bored and jobless and it IS in the spirit of this post, here you go…

I’ve always believed that the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing for kids of my age is just equal to two people fooling themselves. The “feeling” is totally make-believe. A façade. You might think I’m heartless, but I’m sorry, LOVE, as perceived by young teens, cannot exist in your hearts when you’re not even an adult. When you don’t even know where you’re going In life, and your raging hormones make most, if not all, of your decisions. Life is about priorities, and I strongly believe this age is about [yeah I know you’re expecting “education!”] having fun and not taking stuff seriously. You’ve got your life for complications. I believe it’s a massive misconception, and that 99% of these people would look back at this when they grow up, with either ridicule or regret. Regret about the fact that they spent the best years of their lives fooling themselves, lying to their parents, subjecting themselves to SO much of emotional trauma.
In my opinion, young teens find themselves a partner:-

1] To satisfy their raging hormones.
2] To induce fortitude in their messed up lives.
3] Because of insecurity.
4] Due to lack of confidence.
5] Peer pressure.
6] Insanity.
7] Because they misunderstand their friendship for something else, and in a flash of intelligence [catch the sarcasm], decide to risk everything for this.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe love is a beautiful thing. I love listening to Elvis talk about love. You can have all the shitty relationships you want, but eventually the woman that you TRULY believe, will stay by your side when you’re old and dying is the love of your life. I don’t believe in the ‘soul mates’ shit. It’s all about working it out. It’s exciting, and fascinating! Every time I hear Elvis asking the silent listener whether she is lonesome that night, I picture an imaginary female [laugh all you want guys, but she is hoot!” :P].

Well, as after every entry in my diary, my head has become clearer. Teenagers, I believe, aren’t just kids who totally misunderstand things around them, but kids who are themselves frightfully misunderstood! When the suffix TEEN is attached to your age, every person elder than you treats you like every step you take on your own account is just a proof of your innate idiocy. Life seems to slowly incarcerate us, our goals, and those wild old dreams are transformed into this veritable mess. That said, I can’t deny it is surely fascinating. I’ve discovered SO many new dimensions to myself from the past two years. The various mood swings, the intriguing phases I go through, the goals, the shattered dreams, the bluntness, everything is just brilliant! As Eminem says, right now, “Success is my only motherducking option! Failure’s not!” It’s like a seductive challenge, where each person is really against his own self, his thoughts, and his limitations. I love every bit of it and I’ve had enough of cribbing. I’m going to leave all the negativity behind with 2009. So all you doubters - have a nice day! Move on 2009!